“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
~~ Plato
As others have also done and maybe even you, I’ve spent my share of money trying to resolve relationship battles. I’ve tried individual counseling, “Christian” counseling, couples counseling where you go once a week or whatever cadence, and even marathon counseling.
Tens of thousands of dollars later? Yeah, I’m still single.
Sections…
Gottman counseling
Doubt thou the stars are fire,
— Hamlet. Act II, scene 5
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love

The most expensive was a fifteen thousand dollar weekend on a “Gottman Marathon” relationship counseling. In this three day “intensive” Zoom program (yeah, not even a HIPAA compliant platform, it was a Zoom session), the counselor asks questions here and there, then spends time with each person individually.
In my program, one of the steps is that the counselor tried to get each person to process empathy. It didn’t go so well. According to the counselor, my partner had a problem processing empathy. On one of the counselor’s “one on one’s” with me, he mentioned histrionics and how my partner is able to “cry without tears”. As I’m asking about what he means, he says, “Well, you can’t discount pathology”. Really? That’s what I’m left with? You can’t discount pathology? Fifteen thousand dollars later and “you can’t discount pathology” is the conclusion? What does that even mean? For what it is worth, when I think of pathology, I think of Phineas P. Gage who had a railroad spike driven up through his head and skull.
Anyway, on Gottman, I would not recommend it. Maybe if you have a better trained coach or something, but golly, the three days were tiringly useless. Use that money for a vacation, to make memories with each other, to create a common experience.
Tacopsychology
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.
Aristotle, Greek philosopher, 384bce – 322bce

Then there is this other kind of counseling. I don’t exactly know what it is called. I’m going to call it “Tacopsychology”. My dad and I have tacos and beer on Tuesday nights. It is a pilgrimage! A wonderful time we have shared for many months, for many years. My dad is a non emotive person, so really it is just… Tacos and Beer, a shared experience, sometimes with other people joining us. It is a pleasant time, and a time I look forward to every week. But it is largely not emotional. Until… it was.
This one particular night in 2022, a few weeks after spending fifteen thousand dollars on a weekend for the already mentioned “useless for us” Gottman marathon, I guess my dad could tell I was hurting over this recent love. As I mentioned, he is a great guy, funny, laughs at jokes sometimes, and truly non emotive, so I really don’t ask him anything about life, or love. Then out of the blue, my dad told me what love is.
My 94 year old non emotive dad tells me, “Son, love is when it hurts to not be with the other person.“
That’s it. That’s all he said. He didn’t add anything to it, just took a drink from his beer. I’m left with my head exploding, going back to… I could have used that fifteen thousand dollar Gottman weekend money for shared experiences and a wonderful vacation building memories with my partner.
What are “we” doing this weekend?
In love, one and one are one.
Jean-Paul Sartre, French philosopher, 1905-1980

After my shock subsided — it was a pleasant shock, I was truly appreciative of my dad’s comment, and I was letting it sink in — my dad went on a bit. My dad explained to me if you have to “ask” to be on someone’s calendar, it is something other than love. At some point, a relationship becomes “you are my calendar, whatever else comes second.” The person will want to be with you because it hurts to not be with you, and you will want to be with them because it hurts to not be with them.
Seems a bit rhetorical. Kind of. But let me add some context here. This relationship I had gone through with Gottman that my dad was counseling me on, she was never responsible for the wellbeing of the other person in prior relationships, nor was the other person ever responsible for her. Almost all of them had real girlfriends, other lovers, even wives. The catch was, in these types of “vacation sex” relationships, the other person never requires a commitment from her either. So she was free to do whatever she wanted to do with whoever she wanted to do it with. So my partner explained how she believed prioritizing her friends over the relationship, including having separate vacations with her friends, was the most important things to her, and she expected me to have separate vacations as well.
This “separate but equal” thing is not my thing. It doesn’t work. For what it is worth, separate but equal doesn’t work in racial segregation either. And this likely won’t be my thing. At least I’m thinking it won’t be my thing. I’ve got what, a couple dozen years left, if I’m lucky? I’m thinking, shouldn’t I want to create memories with my partner? Why would I want to go on a vacation with my “real” friends and leave my partner behind? Shouldn’t I want to bring my partner with me? To that end and more, why wouldn’t I want to bring my partner with me? In the end, I hope that the last breaths I take will be thinking of my person, and the memories that I’ve made with her.
Absence makes the heart go wander
Absence – that common cure of love.
Lord George Gordon Byron, 1788 – 1824

Bear with me, because I’m coming back to my dad’s additional comments. After this “separate but equal” partnership was over, after tens of thousands of dollars in counseling, and after my dad tells me about what love is, I am sharing with a friend of mine about what my dad says about love. I tell her that my dad says love is when it hurts to not be with the person you love. I didn’t mention anything about my recent relationship, nothing about separate vacations, nothing other than the one statement that love is when it hurts to not be with your person. She reacted. She said something like, “well, you mean you miss them so much you can’t wait to see them when you get back from your alone time with your friends, right?”
I was in shock! Two women in succession that feel the same way? This can’t be happening! Is this why there is so much divorce in this country? Is this why polyamory is a centerpiece discussion in many new relationships? Is this what partnerships look like? Partnerships are “intersection relationships” of life, where we only see each other when our lives intersect?
I’m heartbroken!
So the next day I go for a walk with my dad. I tell him this new mystery of life about Separate but Equal and vacationing alone, without your partner. He laughed at me! Really, my non emotive dad laughed at me!
I asked my dad, “Why are you laughing at me?”
He says, “Son, why would you want to go on vacation without the person you love, why wouldn’t you want to make those memories with the one you love?”
And then it started sinking in. Love. Love isn’t just an act. Love isn’t just an action. Love isn’t even a decision. Love isn’t a response. Love is a lifestyle.
I don’t know that I have ever been in a mutually beneficial relationship, one where I was the other person’s number one priority, and that she were my number one priority. Sure, there were moments of being a priority in the other person’s life, but number one?
Number one. Even above self.
That’s a tall order that I don’t think I’ve experienced.
Spinning ’round on the big blue marble
Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.
Søren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, 1813 – 1855

Looking back on my fifty five times around the sun, spinning on this blue marble we call earth, these two simple thoughts from my dad was overwhelming and truly… painful… to… hear.
It was like, why didn’t I learn this when I was twelve? Is it really that simple? How did I miss this basic education?
And at the same time, it was truly the most hopeful thing I had heard in my tens of thousands of dollars spent on counseling. So very hopeful.

My take away
The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
Walter Benjamin, German Jewish philosopher, 1892 – 1940
My take away is today, make time for your person. Make memories with the one you love. Cherish every moment you have with them.
At some point, one of you will be dead. And even while you live, you will never have today’s moments again.
Thank you dad.
Leave a Reply