I’ve done pretty well for myself. I have enough and I’m not hungry. I can buy everything that I need, and a lot of what I want. I have a decent credit score and adequate credit card liquidity. I’m doing okay. Sure, I’m not doing as well as Elon Musk, but I’m doing well for myself.
Growing up
“Put money in thy purse” — Shakespeare, Othello, Act 1, Scene 3
Emotionally, however, I did not come from a place of abundance. I grew up feeling a “perceived scarcity” lifestyle. I learned that money was “scarce”.
I don’t want to make it sound too gloomy. I always had clean clothes, we never went hungry, I had a motorcycle, we went on fishing trips, my dad loved ice cream so trips to Carvel were common, annual trips to theme parks like Disney and Six Gun Territory (in Ocala). So it wasn’t like I didn’t have stuff or lived in a cave. Living in true scarcity is much different than living in the perceived scarcity that I experienced, and I am in no way discounting those who live in real scarcity.
So why did I feel that scarcity growing up? That my mom was a German immigrant who grew up during the rations of WWII could have contributed to it. Another part of it might have been that my parents both grew up during the global great depression. I am sure it was much more complex than that.
This perceived scarcity formed most of my childhood. If I wanted to go out for band or an extracurricular activity — why would you want to do that when you can just make your own instrument for less money? If I wanted to join a club — why would you want to pay someone to join their club? If I want to go out to dinner — why pay for something you can do yourself, just make a sandwich.
The impact here was simple: If I wanted something, it was generally responded with something that felt like, “Why would you waste your money on that?” And this impacted most of my adult life — an unbalanced, clinical, non-emotional view of money. Save save save! Do you have some? Then save more.
Charred Adult Life
“Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man, And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that.” — Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3
Through the years, this has affected many parts of my life. I drove an old, albeit reliable, car for a very, very long time. Why? Because why buy a new car when my old car works perfectly. Well, I’ll tell you why to buy a new car. As Shakespeare opines, the wrappings proclaim the man.
It turns out most folks aren’t interested in whether you can afford life, what your credit score is, or what you have in the bank. Most folks are interested in what you are showing off today. Whether it be living beyond your purse — or living within it — is irrelevant. Show me.
So even today, I’m working through my issues with money and perceived scarcity, and working to better make the costs of my habits match what my purse can buy, instead of living in scarcity.
Along my travels, here’s something that happened to me while dating. For me, it opened a mother lode of childhood memories — some of them related to getting through my issues with money.
The Start of a New Beginning
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” — Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land
So I started dating this lady. You know, we start talking, we’re having fun together; things just seem… right. At some point, you start trying to figure out what a “together” might look like. Have the stars aligned? Could this actually be the one?
In this case, the girl is divorced, the ex is no longer alive, and she has three adult children. She’s completely self sufficient, provides well for herself, so it is in no way a financial support concern or anything like that. She is very well educated, better than myself in fact, and is well put together. We’ve already gotten to the point of sharing FICO scores, and each of us confirmed in the other that it is important to each of us. We haven’t shared net worth, but that to me is irrelevant –how one spends is more important than what one has.
We’ve established an emotional connection, kindred spirits, similar dispositions, growth mindsets, physical attraction, in fact all this more than a little. But there are mechanics behind a relationship, too. How would this work, a relationship with this person? There have been few times when I’ve considered finances in the equation, and fewer still where we’ve had joint accounts. So this is new to me.
What about the adult children? Now of course, one might say adult children aren’t my responsibility. And sure, from a distant, disconnected, fragmented life viewpoint, one can easily argue that this is the case. Not my responsibility.
Or is it? If one and one make one, then each of the ones include the ones who each love. To reject or sideline connection is not how I live my life, it is not how I wish to live my life, and it is not how I feel at all.
My father shared with me that love is togetherness. In this way of thinking, the four (girl, and three children) collectively come as one, they would be my responsibility, because my happiness depends on whether “my girl”, my partner, is happy, and I am pretty sure her happiness includes her children. So yeah, a family unit is a family. To enter what might feel like a run-on: The kids would be part of my family and my responsibility because I know they are her responsibility and her family. I’m sure it would make her happy to have them happy, which in turn would make me happy.
Divide By 8 – A High Stakes Gamble and I’m “All In”!
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” — Erich Fromm
Lots of words there. To explain it simply, the moment I knew I was “all in” this relationship with this girl was when I looked at my entire bank account, my entire net worth, and divided it by 8. The two of us, each of the three kids, plus whoever they might be with at the moment (2 + 3 + 3 is 8 people total). That every family vacation was going to cost me “times 8”. That I was going to need 8 times the money of one in a partnership with her to make me happy. Or at least that was where my heart was.
I’m left with… a division of my bank to enjoy among 8 people, together. It isn’t even a “mine” and “hers” feeling, it is completely a “what we can enjoy, together”. Scarcity Times Eight? It didn’t feel like scarcity at all. It didn’t feel like giving up anything, or in any way a shortage. It felt like, happiness. It was such an unusual feeling. Just… a potential for happiness, togetherness, connectedness. This idea being together, yet without expectation. It wasn’t about money, this simple calculation wasn’t about money. It was about finding a future together, about figuring out the looks of a life together.
And that’s the moment in my life that I knew she was in my heart. When “my money” didn’t matter to me, but only mattered in the way that it might bring togetherness. That moment that the happiness of a togetherness was essential to my own? That was the moment it started making sense to me.
What’s it Gonna Take
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” — Marcus Aurelius
So the girl and I were part of a community where most of the rest of the people didn’t know we were seeing each other. She asked me to join her at BJ’s one afternoon, a neighborhood bar and grill. After awhile of small talk I just threw it out, “what’s it gonna take”. Our connection was so natural, my delivery was so spot on, she knew what I was talking about, taking this thing we were in all the way.
My mind is racing, my heart is thumping. I’m absolutely ready for this! I’m wanting more of her, and it feels like she is ready for more too. Baby steps, but planning for a perfect future. I’m thinking what’s going to be her response? Maybe she is going to talk about being loved? Maybe she is going to talk about feeling safe? Maybe she wants to know that her partner always has her back? Maybe… maybe she just wants hugs and kisses for the rest of her life?
I didn’t know for sure what to expect. But I was curious, and I was ready. I’m thinking, maybe… maybe, this is the one. Four simple words, delivered in my style, at my speed, in all the vulnerability of my open heart, ready for more, ready to work out whatever comes next, ready for love: “what’s… it… gonna… take….”
A Giant Ring?
“Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only true gift is a portion of thyself.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Without a moment of hesitation, it didn’t even feel like a second, she was on it: A giant ring.
Maybe she had been thinking about this. Whether she was thinking about this related to me, or thinking about this related to her life?
Or maybe it was complete improv? Maybe she had just elevated herself to my most ideal improv partner? This girl of my hopes and my dreams, the girl who takes my breath away, the girl who has moved me to changes I didn’t even know were relevant and important — says her only litmus test is, “a giant ring on my finger!”
I’m like, what? A giant ring?
I totally laughed at her and said, “that’s all? That’s all you need?” I turned to my beer, and I totally laughed at her… for so many reasons. One is that I know from experience women with big rings are more likely to engage in adulterous affairs, and another, because in my heart I already gave this girl of my dreams my bank. Like, my entire bank. Asking for a ring? It felt so absurd to me.
That’s all you need? A giant ring?
After a bit I think she kind of accepted the absurdity of it all.
When love comes to town
“People fall in love in mysterious ways, Maybe just the touch of a hand…” — Ed Sheeran, Thinking Out Loud
A few precious belly laugh moments later, she told me she thought that would stop me, that asking for a giant ring would temper my enthusiasm. It didn’t. At all.
After our laughing bliss, I shared with her about the divide by eight thing that had already happened to me.
We were both sitting at the bar with beers. At first she said — well they don’t have significant others yet. I said — but they will!
It was around that time that she leaned into me, put her arm around me, laughed, and said she better get her list together. I’m like yeah, I’m not going to marry someone who values themselves based on a ring.
And in all the words, and all the laughs, and all the touches, I am realizing, I am falling for her.
Coming out of the closet — together
“The only way to deal with this life meaningfully is to find your truth and live it.” — RuPaul
Later in the date, after devouring the moments of deep connection, she decided it was time to come out of the closet with our friends. There was an event that night, and we decided to go “together”, as a couple.
I think that was the day, the moments, that I realized I loved her. Maybe I had been living my life waiting on a girl like her, that maybe I had been created for a time like this, for a girl like her.
- Her trying to provoke me into breaking up or whatever with her demand for a giant ring
- Me being totally not triggered and in control, because I already had the split by 8 experience
- Laughing together about it, I mean deeply laughing, together, about it
- Getting through the first argument a couple has about money, golly, how wonderful was that
- Getting through to her in a way that she wanted to come out of the closet with our friends, that we were in something together
- Her asking me to drive us to dancing together as a couple after breaking through all this… together
Just… all of it. It was truly magical. I think that’s when I knew she was the one.
It was… it was a moment for us, our moment, for us.
Tell us more! Tell us more!
“A good story is a dream shared by the author and the reader. Anything that wakes the reader from the dream is a mortal sin.” — Stephen King
That magical evening included dancing, and drinks, and laughter, and coming out, and vulnerability, and kisses, and hugs, and more.
The evening seemed to never end. A thirteen hour date, nearly lasting until sunrise! A magical time that lingered in the air and lasted into the mystic.
Into the mystic
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi
I know! I know! I know!
You are wondering, how big was the giant rock I bought for my pretty little girl? Did she say yes? How many flowers did I buy her for our wedding? Where did she take me for our honeymoon? Where is our beautifully landscaped home by the sea? And how have we maintained our magical journey together, how have we both remained vulnerable to each other, and vulnerable to love?
Well. None of that happened, other than in the moonlight of that magical night.
The dream of the blue turtle… didn’t happen. The girl I fell in love with that night, in those moments, as our paths intertwined, as our hands touched, as our hearts opened to the vulnerabilities of each other and even the thought of love? I never saw her again.
Not a single time.
A magical night enmeshed with the soothing fog and twilight of the morning — to never be repeated. Not one single time.
As I romanticize, the last I saw her, she was drifting off into the California sunrise somewhere towards Ventura. Or maybe it was towards the magical area known as Carmel-by-the-Sea.
Through my water colored vision, it all looked the same.
In this tapestry of vulnerability between us, in this intentional unveiling of my heart and my fears, in breaking through to some of my own childhood trauma, and — nothing.
She was gone. No explanation, no discovery, no unveiling of fears or insecurities. No… nothing. Just… gone.
Love, unconditional
“Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.” — Epictetus
I suppose everyone is going through their stuff at their own time. It took me more than 50 trips around the sun to get to this part of starting to break apart my own stuff, and it isn’t coming easily. I’ve been working on this for many many years, and intensely working on an intentional life for the greater part of my last decade on this earth. So I know, for me, it isn’t easy.
The best we can find is to discover another soul, working on themselves, as deeply as we are working on ourselves, and to lower our guard enough so that they are safe to live at peace in their lives exactly where they are, how they are, with us being around.
If they get to working on their stuff? Great. If they don’t get to that point? Great. Either way, enjoy it! Enjoy the amount of love you can have. Because in this world, today is all you have. Tomorrow never comes.
In my own life? I’m learning to give love without expectation, and I’m learning to receive love without obligation.
I’m learning to love what is, and learning to accept life as it is, not as I wish it to be. I’m learning to embrace people exactly where they are, instead of wanting or needing or demanding them to change in order for me to experience happiness.
I never heard from her again, never crooned her name again. But none of that takes away from the changes in me I experienced with her. I wish her peace, if that is what she is seeking. And I wish her healing, if that is what she needs.
But mostly, I wish her love. Because love… love, is.
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