I’m involved with a personal growth community. We meet regularly to figure out life together, to peel our onions, to understand ourselves and each other, to share our passions, our dreams, our traumas, our loves.
Last night was… very emotional for me. As is usual, we talked about a lot of things. The essence of “anger” was one of those things I took away.
In my experience, expressing anger is hardly ever healthy. Anger leaves a destructive wake behind it, affecting everyone. That wake has the potential to destroy other people, and usually ourselves.
I grew up in an explosive family, and I unconsciously learned the “expression of anger” was acceptable. I came to accept that anger was part of love. No one ever said, “Hey, to be angry is to love”. It was that these angry people, angry at each other, angry at themselves, they sill had Thanksgiving dinner together, they still sometimes said Happy Birthday, so they must love each other.
But it just isn’t. Anger is not part of love.
Table of contents
1. Anger is toxic
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
~ Marcus Aurelius
Anger gets anger. When one person starts expressing anger, others may feel compelled or otherwise forced to respond in kind. I’ve hurt plenty of people in my anger and been hurt by plenty of people in their anger. It isn’t always easy to identify anger, it certainly isn’t easy to identify where it started in a single transaction between people, and it is often very difficult to stop. Like a runaway train, once anger starts building momentum, it can be difficult to stop before it derails the situation. And anger is contagious.
When does this unconsciously learned, emotionally contagious behavior begin? According to some studies, emotional awareness begins in infancy and involves the tendency to experience and mirror emotions of others. Some studies suggest emotional learning begins even before birth, in the mother’s womb.
As you read through this article, consider your expressions of emotions, and also the other person’s expressions. Life isn’t just about you, it is about you in relation with others. And with regard to anger, handling anger isn’t just about you, your anger, and how it manifests; it is also about how you can create tolerance for others when they aren’t perfect, when they are experiencing anger, and how being aware can help soothe both of you.
2. The look of anger
As mentioned earlier, it isn’t always easy to call something “anger”. The next few sections look at different ways anger manifests itself in expressions between people and towards self. This isn’t intended to be an exhaustive list, and certainly the demarcation between one manifestation often overlaps others.
As you read through these examples, understand that what looks like “anger” in someone else may not be anger at all. For example if you’ve been cut off in traffic, you might want to call the other person angry, and evidenced by their aggressive driving style. And maybe it is accurate, maybe the other person cut you off because the person is mad at the world, or had a terrible argument and is mad at their spouse, or maybe the person believed you cut them off first and they are retaliating in anger. On the other hand, the other person cutting you off may have been the result of their avoiding a collision with a third object, or it may have been caused by a mechanical failure like a blown out tire. What looks to you like other people expressing anger isn’t always accurate. What you can glean from these ideas, though, is to understand how you yourself express anger.
2.a. Aggressive anger
The obvious form of anger with which most are familiar is something aggressive.
Aggressive anger might look like:
- yelling at someone
- cursing someone
- throwing a rock or a plate or a drink
- slashing someone’s tires
- cutting someone off in traffic
- disrespecting someone in front of their face or in front of other people
These are examples of actively aggressive anger, directly expressing your toxic emotion. These are easily recognized as anger.
2.b. Passive aggressive anger
Passive aggressive anger is sly and manipulative. Passive aggressive anger is an indirect attempt to deliberately and manipulatively “get back at” someone or make them feel guilty without addressing the issue. Passive aggressive behavior is difficult to address because the person can deny any negativity.
Passive aggressive anger might look like:
- stonewalling or emotional walling, tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors
- procrastination when it is targeted, for example an employee who dislikes an assignment may intentionally miss deadlines
- intentionally delaying a reply such as waiting to reply to a text message or email or call
- making mocking sarcastic remarks in displaying disapproval indirectly
- criticism raising to personal attacks, attacking a person’s character or self-worth
- withdrawing emotionally
- becoming silent
- withholding affection
- cheating on someone instead of resolving conflict and honoring vows
- contemptuous, smug, scornful looks like sidelong glances, raised eyebrows, or pursed lips
- negative comments disguised as complements
- saying “good job!”, while inside resenting what they have done
- feigning forgetfulness
- talking about someone behind their back
- “jokes”, the seemingly coy hidden jab, and the double entendre are often examples of passive aggressive anger, where the sender can simply say, “Oh I was just kidding!”, or even worse double down and publicly shame and punish the victim with, “Can’t you take a joke?”
2.c. Bottled up anger
Bottled up anger is when a person suppresses their anger. This might be a situation of being raised in a household where expressing anger was not tolerated, or the person fears confrontation. Unfortunately, bottled up anger doesn’t disappear.
This bottled up emotion often manifests itself in physical symptoms like headaches or intestinal issues, and sometimes leads to extreme outbursts when the internal pressure becomes intolerable. The most extreme cases are situations where the person is unable to cope with their emotions and identify no clear method of recovery, such as the Columbine High School massacre or workplace violence.
2.d. Recovery from episodes of anger
What happens after anger? If there is going to be a continued relationship, there is some form of recovery. Unfortunately, recovery seldomly addresses the problems in self, and in others. Recovery often focuses on “sweeping the offenses under a rug” or otherwise ignoring the offense, and ignoring the events that lead up to the angry exchange.
- In friendships, recovery might look like having another drink together, or going to a show together, or having a meal together, never addressing the issues related to the episode
- In family, recovery might be having Christmas or Easter or Thanksgiving dinner together “as a family”, or wishing the other a Happy Birthday
- In romantic relationships, recovery might take the form of sex, or flowers, or gifts. I think to myself, so sad a testimony of my own anger, or of hers. Even worse, this “recovery” is part of my testimony of “love”.
For me, understanding my anger has been a pursuit in understanding my triggers. Triggers lead to some form of an emotion. Then that emotion, left unresolved or unforgiven, leads to… Anger.
2.e. Take away: Anger is not healthy
The most important take away of all this is that anger is not healthy. Anger is toxic. Anger injures self and others, expressing anger does not resolve the conflict, feeling anger does not correct the offense, anger does not build community. Anger breeds distortion of context, obscures our judgement, provokes disunity and damaged relationships, incites destruction towards ourselves and others, and induces deterioration of health. Anger… is toxic.
3. Anger targets
Anger is not always directed at a particular individual like a coworker, a spouse, a parent, or a child, and isn’t always based on what one may feel as a transgression from the targeted individual. Anger can be triggered from our own internal toxicity and methods of self-protection learned in childhood.
3.a. Inward directed anger
Anger at self might take any of the following forms:
- Self-blame & negative self-talk: Not feeling “good enough”, unreasonably blaming oneself for mistakes, accepting a belief that you are at fault for things out of your control
- Isolation: Withdrawing from others out of frustration or shame
- Physical self-harm: Acting out anger physically toward oneself
- Suppression of Emotions: Avoiding expressing feelings, leading to inner turmoil, often spiraling into even further anger towards self
- Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards, then berating oneself when the standards aren’t met
- Procrastination: Delaying tasks that results in self-sabotage
- Overthinking: Replaying negative scenarios or critical thoughts repeatedly
- Physical neglect: Failing to care for one’s health or well-being
- Avoidance of goals: Giving up on aspirations out of frustration or a belief that these aspirations are undeserved
3.b. Anger towards person groups
Anger might be hostility towards a certain person group, based on a belief or feeling or perception that one has been “wronged” by the other, or that one is “better” than the other, or that one “deserves more” than the other.
Attacks against people groups might be focused against immigrants, color of one’s skin (e.g., red or yellow or black or white), sexual orientation (homosexual, heterosexual, transsexual), sex (misandry, misogyny), or social status (the homeless, vehicle the other drives, or where the other person lives).
How might these forms of anger manifest themselves?
- Anger might be overt hatred, name calling, physical violence, or more passive aggressive.
- A passive aggressive act might look like a refusal to hire immigrants, or passing over a promotion to a woman.
Anger and behavior that harms “other” people groups spreads quickly.
4. Events and triggers
It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters
~ Epictetus
But how did we get here, how did we get to anger?
A discussion of anger is hardly complete without considering triggers. Such an overused word, and so often misused. I’ve heard folks blame other people for their own triggers, as in, “YOU ARE TRIGGERING ME!”
No they are not. Even if they are intentionally trying to push your buttons, it is not their fault that your buttons exist. It is not the “other” person’s responsibility to figure out your triggers and walk on eggshells around you to accommodate your narcissistic personality disorder.
Did I trigger you?
Events happen outside of you. Triggers happen inside you. Triggers are your autonomic nervous system response to an event. The event itself is something you likely cannot control, and even then the initial trigger response is involuntary.
Triggers can be anything that spark a response. Some triggers result in mild response, while others result in responses that are out of proportion to the particular situation. Triggers can be linked to past experiences, to insecurities, or to deeply held beliefs. Triggers can also be viewed as protective, an autonomic fight/flight/fawn/freeze response that controls body processes such as blood pressure and breathing rate.
It is important to understand that triggers do not always elicit “negative” response, and not always disproportionate responses. For example, the smell of a perfume might elicit a mood enhancing romantic response, exciting someone towards a romantic encounter. Or a favorite childhood meal may draw out memories of safety and security associated with the playfulness of a child. These triggering responses do not cause harm.
4.a. Examples of triggers
How do I get to anger? Let me count the ways.
~ Rephrase of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets of the Portuguese 43
Here are a few thoughts on events and triggers that can result in negative responses leading to anger.
- Feelings of or reminders of traumas and unhealed wounds: Events, places, smells, or even sounds can bring back memories of traumatic experiences, triggering intense emotions such as fear, sadness, loneliness, panic, or other anxieties
- Feeling criticized or feeling dismissed: Feeling criticized, judged, or dismissed by others can trigger feelings of shame, anger, or insecurity
- Feeling unheard or feeling unseen: Feeling ignored, interrupted, or not listened to can trigger feelings of frustration, loneliness, or even rage
- Feeling unfairly treated: Witnessing what is interpreted as injustice can trigger anger, frustration, or helplessness
- Feelings of shame or guilt: Feeling as though you’ve been caught in something, or feeling called out on something you’ve done
Events leading to triggers are unique to each person. What triggers one person might not affect another. It is also important to realize that the same exact event may trigger two different people in two different ways. Consider a person who has been sexually traumatized, or abandoned as a child, or mistreated by peers. That person is going to react differently to an event or stimulus than someone without those traumas.
4.c. How to handle triggers before they turn to anger
Be grateful for triggers, they point where you are not free
~ Unknown author
A common issue in anger management is a lack of emotional regulation skills.
Let’s take a deeper look at how anger evolves. Anger evolves starting from some event. Something happens, either inside of us (for example, I am lonely, or I am hungry, or I am sleepy), or outside of us (for example, someone cut me off in traffic, or someone yelled at me, or someone disrespected me). Something has to happen in order for anger to brew, something inside of me or outside of me, but something nonetheless.
The “something that happened” may have been recent, or it may be something in the past. For example, childhood sexual trauma has a pattern of showing up later in life.
In handling the trigger, there are multiple opportunities to intercept one’s reaction before it ever becomes anger.
1. Resolve one’s triggers. This involves understanding one’s unconscious mind, to understand why one reacts. Therapy, group therapy, and introspection are all helpful ways to better understand one’s triggers. Sometimes this involves being around people who intentionally “push your buttons”, but this needs to be handled delicately.
2. Address and expose one’s primary emotion like that of being hurt, or afraid, or one’s own low self esteem. For example, if someone yells at you, your response could be, “It hurts me to be yelled at, because it makes me feel unworthy”. This may be difficult to do in the moment, because the autonomic nervous system has kicked in and is working on a fight/flight response.
3. Forgive, get over it, let it go. Allow the event to exist.
4. Accept that the other person didn’t intend to hurt me. Everyone is going through a journey. For example, if you are able to fully accept and understand that the other person’s anger is because of their dysregulation, you may be better able to comfort them in their anger instead of escalating with your own anger. This is exceptionally mature, to be able to sit with someone else in their pain and anger.
5. Accept the anger, then let it go as quickly as possible. Realize though that once it gets to anger it has already had an impact on another person. They’ll see something in the way you look at them, or the time it took to reply to that text, or the smile that doesn’t look quite authentic. The damaging wake behind that sea of anger has already started. At this point, the best that is possible is be honest, be vulnerable, to admit what is going on, to admit that my reaction is not reasonable. Accept that the other person likely already knows something is going on in you, and admit to myself that something is going on in me.
5. Biblical references to Anger
Some folks enjoy considering religious manuscripts in their analysis of what they believe to be the right thing to do. So let’s consider that. Let’s explore the Bible. What does the Bible say about anger?
5.a. Seek to be kind
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
~ Ephesians 4:31-32:
I find it compelling the writer chose to align anger with slander and malice and clamor, and all of this in opposition to “being kind and tender hearted”.
5.b. Be slow to anger
…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
~ Proverbs 16:32
Slow to anger. Resolve in oneself that anger may happen, but anger should not be quick to entertain. Seems like healthy advice.
5.c. A place for righteous anger
Silence the silence of the voiceless! Defend the rights of the destitute, every single one! Let outrage fuel your voice for the poor and the needy. Their suffering demands your fight!
~ Proverbs 31:8
The Bible tells us, there is a time for anger. Righteous anger, clearly a time to speak up. It is important to note that righteous anger is motivated by a perception of injustice, not by something personal like an insult.
6. An alternative to anger: Be vulnerable
This above all:
~ Hamlet, Shakespeare
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
I’ve done some thinking about how to deal with my own angry responses in my own life.
I can’t always stop the trigger, I’m unlikely to even know all my triggers. But there is an alternative to having those triggers grow to anger. That alternative is being vulnerable and expressing how I feel.
6.a. Mr. Rogers understanding of “rage”
“[If I were to rage] that would be more for them than for me”
Mr. Fred Rogers,
Why do we rage? Is it to get something out of us? Or is it to affect other people?
In 1985, Mr. Rogers was being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Mr. Rogers had a position on why he would rage. It had nothing to do with his wellbeing.
The following is paraphrased from the interview.
Question to Mr. Rogers: “Do you ever just cut loose and lose control? Do you ever yell at your wife?”
Mr. Rogers response: “I have a very modulated way of dealing with my feelings. I’ve always been that way. No, I don’t scream. But I think that if I did, that would be more for them than for me.“
6.b. Being inauthentically vulnerable
Let’s say someone hurts my feelings. I’ve read a proper response would be something like, “I feel angry when you interrupt me because it is important to listen to each other.”
But is this true? Is this being vulnerable? How about “It hurts me when you interrupt me because it makes me feel disregarded“? Or how about “it hurts me when you ignore me because it makes me feel unimportant“?
Read these again. You’ll find in self-help groups and forums that these are being vulnerable. But they are not being vulnerable at all. The three statements are accusatory. Truly, they are not vulnerable.
Each of these statements accuse the other person of interrupting and ignoring. These types of statements incite anger in the other person. They are not genuine. They are accusatory and place blame on the other. Then when the other person blows up, the first person can claim, “hey, I expressed my feelings, and they blew up!” The other person interrupted the speaker, or ignored the speaker, and then when confronted with their bad behavior, the other person blew up! Some folks are going to believe the first person speaker, which is only going to exacerbate the issues in recovery.
But this is just not true. these statements are not being vulnerable, they are escalating, derogatory, and accusatory.
6.c. Being genuinely vulnerable
What is more true, what is more genuine, what is more vulnerable, is, “It hurts me when I feel interrupted because it makes me feel disregarded”, or “it hurts me when I feel ignored because it makes me feel unimportant.”
In my own words, it doesn’t matter what happens to you, it only matters how you deal with it.
While I may wish another person to respond in a particular manner, or act a certain way, or do a certain thing, it is unfair to control them in that way. To tell them, “You are never allowed to do anything that I perceive as interrupting me!” They are human, they have personal autonomy in the way they lead their lives, and if you wish to have an authentic relationship with the other person, they cannot be made to feel as though they have to walk on eggshells around you.
6.d. The “other’s” perspective
The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him
Proverbs 18:17
Relationships are complex. Society is complex. Things aren’t always as one perceives.
Why are they doing something that you perceive as ignoring you? Is it simply they disagree with you, and that you haven’t heard them? Is it because they are preoccupied with something in their own life? Is it because they are not prepared to discuss what you demand to discuss?
Let’s take a real life example. Someone has taken you to a play or musical for both of you to enjoy together. You’ve said something to them, and they have not responded. You feel ignored, and that is triggering you. In a vulnerable position, you share with them, “It hurts me when I feel ignored because it makes me feel unimportant.”
With that vulnerable position, can you consider a reasonable response from the other person, “it hurts me when I feel you don’t appreciate the musical I’ve paid to bring you to by continuing to talk during the show”?
7. Final thoughts
This world, this life, isn’t exact. The dream of perfection is the enemy of the good, and the demand of perfection is the enemy of relationship with others. For anger, practice tolerance for others when they get angry, and do what you can to work on your triggers that lead you to anger. I realize I won’t always be successful in abating my anger, and equally so I accept that others may be angry in my company, and I’ll accept them in their pain as I hope they’ll accept me in mine.
I’ll do my best to give latitude to others, to give space to be imperfect, to accept them where they are in their own anger, to accept their life when I’m able, to create space for when they are not “my own broken interpretation of perfect” but they are their own perfect as much as they are able, right now, today, because they are doing their best to get through this thing called life too, with me, in their own world, and in mine.
8. For continued reading
- Anger is contagious, “How Immune Are You to Contagious Anger?”, Psychology Today, January 2022,
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202201/how-immune-are-you-to-contagious-anger - “Investigating the role of group-based morality in extreme behavioral expressions of prejudice”,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8319297/ - Quote: Exposure to hate speech can lead to prejudice, dehumanization, and lack of empathy towards members of outgroups.,
“Exposure to hate speech deteriorates neurocognitive mechanisms of the ability to understand others’ pain”,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10011534/ - “Individuals prefer to harm their own group rather than help an opposing group”,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9894232/ - “Social contagion of ethnic hostility”,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5948978/ - Quote: your partner is likely to both sense your emotion and mirror it,
“Anger Can Be Contagious — Here’s How To Stop The Spread”,
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/02/25/697052006/anger-can-be-contagious-heres-how-to-stop-the-spread - Quote: Studies suggest that other people’s moods may be as easy to catch as their germs. You can be infected with someone’s happiness — or sadness.,
“How emotions, like colds, are contagious”,
https://www.eehealth.org/blog/2019/05/emotions-contagious/ - Quote: Emotional contagion begins in infancy and involves the tendency to experience emotions of others,
“How Immune Are You to Contagious Anger?”,
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/202201/how-immune-are-you-to-contagious-anger - On Columbine, “both delinquents attended mandatory classes such as anger management and talked with diversion officer”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbine_High_School_massacre
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